Goodbye, Drupal_Goto Command... So How do I Redirect Users?

Drupal_Goto() is dead, long live Drupal_Goto()! Trying to forward your user to a new page with PHP from within Drupal?

There's a years-long discussion on about this, and why we couldn't have our wonderful, precious, easy-like-BASIC-to-remember command to send users on their way, which culminated in statements like this one from "SiliconMind"
To quote "Silicon Mind" from

This is great yet sad example of why Perfect is the enemy of good. In D7 the only thing that was needed in order to alter a redirection, was to implement a hook. A three liner solution. In D8 two files are needed and a bunch of "use" calls that take more lines than the actual implementation itself :( Who the hell will memorize this?

So, you're probably not here reading this because you want to know how to redirect a form, or because you're writing a module. I suspect you're banging out a script and just want to move your user down the stream without a lot of rigamarole. I get it.

So.... here's how you do it:


OK, I'm just kidding. But, you're not going to like this. You see, this issue has been a real roller-coaster ride through Drupal8 develpment. And it seems the only... yes, ONLY way to do this (at least now as of Release Candidate 4) is to print out a META tag to have the client browser redirect itself after one or zero seconds. I know, it sucks.

print '<meta http-equiv="refresh" content="0;URL=\'\'" />';

Whelp, there it is. Print that out and your user will continue on to their destination. But it's no Drupal_Goto('') that's for sure!

I know you don't believe me, and you're going to continue searching. Bon voyage! I wish you luck in your travels.